Today, while I was doing the 30 Day Communication Challenge, with Erika Awakening, I felt inspired to write an article sharing some of my experiences with money.
I was raised with the belief that money is a limited resource. When you spend money it is gone. People who get money by playing professional sports don’t deserve to make that much money for playing a game. Any of these sound familiar in your experience?
A painful memory is the one where money was a source of contention. Child support was the subject. After tapping on these money issues, I became aware that I had guilt for being responsible for the arguing. If I hadn’t been alive, there wouldn’t have been a need for my mom to struggle to provide. Plus, my step mom let me know that she was angry that I was being taken care of at the expense of her having enough money for her children. That was a lot to put on a child. From the arguing my mom and dad had, I don’t think that the money was coming my way. This was an important discovery and was glad to be aware of this one, to tap on.
I married young and I always said that God would provide for me and the children if something happened to my husband. After all, the Bible says, “God watches over the widows and the fatherless. The problem with this is, that I have discovered, via tapping, that those were only words, I actually did not believe God would provide. After all, my dad didn’t provide for us and my mom did the best she could, but the truth is we were frugal and strapped financially. God wants all his children to embrace their birthright to be abundant. But, our parents, particularly our fathers, model God for us. It’s subconscious, though. It wasn’t till I was doing private tapping sessions with Erika, that it came out that I was really angry with God, so much so that I refused to allow my dad to walk me down the aisle. This was how I kept God out of my marriage, by getting back at my dad. It worked too, because he didn’t have anything to do with me for 3 years. He showed up at the hospital after the birth of our first child, because his wife worked in records and told him I was there. I am sure it hurt his feelings pretty badly, because all while I was growing up, he would talk about walking me down the aisle, like it was a grand thing for him. I was pretty pissed off at him to do that. So, now I see that I was cloaking my anger by quoting scriptures and sounding so high and mighty.
I also, had this standard that I raised and that was, I would never sue anyone, because that would mean that I couldn’t forgive. I didn’t want to gain while someone lost.
I believe that we create our own lives. It just took a long time to come to realize what that meant.
As it turns out, my husband died and there was a settlement and I agreed to proceed with the case and won, our of court. The details are insignificant to my story, but I find it so interesting how things turned out. Of course, there was a lot of guilt around having this money and acquiring it the way I did. For years, I said that God had provided, like I had said he promised he would. It wasn’t until tapping in private sessions that I came to see that I created this entire scenario out of fear and guilt. Can you see the residual guilt from the beginning of the marriage and even from my youth?
It is worth pointing out that I remarried after my husbands death and when I left him, I felt like he had partly married me for my money. From my perspective that was true. From that marriage on, I made sure I pushed this money away. Why would I want to keep “guilt” “blood money”? I could blame the markets for bottoming out, I could blame my ex, for paying off his house that he and his late wife built, and for retiring early, but then I would not be taking responsibility for how I created my life. It’s clear that I attracted the situations so that I could play the victim and stay stuck in my belief that I don’t deserve, anything….love, money, security, etc, etc. Everything comes with a price. I was taught that something always has to be sacrificed in order to have anything. Thank goodness, that I now know this is BS. Totally, BS!! I know longer need to create a life that is filled with sacrifice and limitations.
Thank God for tapping and The Course In Miracles, which has completely redeemed God for me. Of course, God has blessed me through all the circumstances I created through my ego beliefs and the money has been used for many good things. I know abundance is my birthright and that to give does not entail loss.
“The world can give you only what you gave it, for being nothing but your own projection, it has no meaning apart from what you found in it and placed your faith in. Be faithful unto darkness and you will not see, because your faith will be rewarded as you gave it. You will accept your treasure, and if you place your faith in the past, the future will be like it. What ever you hold dear you think is yours. The power of your valuing will make it so.” A Course In Miracles